I don’t want to talk about my week. My life’s a mess. Maybe my mom’s right, maybe I’m screwed up. Maybe I’m can’t get over what happened. I can’t even talk about it here, and, really, who’s reading this? No one I’ll ever see.
So here it goes. I’m just going to put it out there. You already think I’m crazy, I know you do. I’ll tell you what happened.
All those times when I talked about her, I mean’t Heidi. But you don’t know Heidi, do you? And you never will.
I don’t make friends easily. I almost never make friends my own age, because they’re immature, spoiled, greedy, horrible people. But I liked Heidi. They say you’re lucky if you get one really good friend in this life, and if you’re freakin’ amazing, you might get two. Well, Heidi was mine. There goes the rest of my life.
And it’s stupid, Hallmark movie sob story stupid. She gets killed in a car accident. No drunk driver, no idiot teenage antics, just a freak accident. Everyone else lives, almost without a scratch, and, ta-da!, a funeral with a shameless sun shining on us like no one cared.
And you know what people do? They tell me they’re sorry the same way they tell little Jimmy that his goldfish is in the Golden Pond Above. Or worse, they tell me she’s in a better place. What the crap? What about me? I want her here. Go on, tell me I’m a selfish witch. I don’t care. My school was filled with arrogant snot-face infants whose creed of faith was, “Well, what I think is…” and whose idea of kindness was pointing out every flaw. And I was one of them. I know it. I’m not fooling myself. But Heidi never was.
So why didn’t I die in that accident?
And here I am, wasting my days, pretending I’m going to be a writer, growing fatter by the week, lonely and too proud to tell anyone.
You know what my mom said about the chapters I gave her? If only she had hated them! No, no, she liked them, but they made her sad. Why? Because she saw me in the main character. That scared little girl who keeps Jumping through time whenever she makes friends or gets comfortable, the one who’s driven and unhappy and obsessed? Yep, you’ve guessed it.
Fine. She wanted to help me, push me forward, help me let go and move forward.
I’m not letting go. I’m never letting go. At first, I yelled at God a lot. When I was young, he seemed to make sense. Well, God didn’t have much to say, and now I don’t have much to say to him. Because, you know what, I used to think God brought me Heidi just when I needed her, just as all my other friends were leaving and I was left alone. Well, what happened, God? Figured I’d gotten enough? Figured I’d learned something and it was time to move forward? Maybe I should just suck it up and make new friends, that’s life?
Your wish is my command, O Almighty. I’m out of here as soon as I can arrange it. I’ll make my own life, since you took my old one from me.
Time to Jump again, Britney.