Interview with Donald Merriman

Originally published December 20, 2007

In college, I, Nick Hayden, would occasionally interview the movers and shakers of the world and post the transcripts via email to those who were interested in such personages. At the time, my main subject was Stuart Lem, headmaster of the prestigious Lem Institute. Recently, I have observed the events and circumstances of these modern days and yearned more and more to dig deeper into the psyche of those who make the news. Then, as luck would have it—or Providence, if one believes in such a thing—I stumbled into Don Merriman, a fascinating gentleman. Having heard some of his story, and of his particular passions, I could no longer restrain myself. I arranged an interview. If God is willing, this will be the first of many to open the nation’s eyes to those who are doing the most good in these present times and who strive to usher us into a new age of prosperity and peace.

Nick: Hello, Donald. Let me thank you again for the pleasure of this interview.

Don: The pleasure is mine, Nick.

Nick: We’ve talked some, and I know you wear many hats. You’re a business owner, a family man, a member of your church council, but you have a special passion this time of year. Tell me about that.

Don: Well, I like to call myself a Christmas Crusader.

Nick: And what does that mean?

Don: I fight for Christmas. Particularly, I’m the guy that makes sure that every megastore and billion-dollar corporation uses the words “Merry Christmas” and not “Happy Holidays.”

Nick: I know that this is a major issue for many people. For those who don’t know, explain it in a nutshell.

Don: It’s a war, Nick. It’s as simple as that. It’s a war for the soul of this nation. “Happy Holidays” is the devil’s language for self-worship, idolatry, and rebellion.

Nick: That’s pretty strong language.

Don: The Bible is full of strong language, Nick.

Nick: That’s true, but…I’m not sure I follow. How does the Bible apply to saying “Merry Christmas”?

Don: You know what Mark 8:38 says, don’t you?

Nick: Um…not off-hand.

Don: “If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

Nick: So, refusal to say “Merry Christmas” is a sign of rejecting Jesus Christ?

Don: Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Nick: What about Spanish speakers? They say “Feliz Navidad.”

Don: If they’re legal, they speak English. If they’re illegal…don’t get me started.

Nick: And if they’re Mexican citizens?

Don: (getting irritated) We’re talking about America, aren’t we? Why are we bringing Mexico into it?

Nick: Yes, of course. I’m sorry. Where were we?

Don: Forcing every business and household in American to proclaim “Merry Christmas” with joy, love, and intense fervor.

Nick: Ah, yes. How do you go about doing that?

Don: First, we send an official complaint. Then, when they answer us with a nasty letter, we start a petition.

Nick: How many people usually sign a petition?

Don: Roughly five billion.

Nick: Er…ah…you mean, five million, I suppose?

Don: Nope. Five billion.

Nick: I…sorry if I sound incredulous, but that’s like 80% of the population of the earth.

Don: (laughing) That is ridiculous. No, we keep sending the petition around until we get a few billion signatures. I signed the last petition about ten thousand times. That really shows them.

Nick: …Ah…alright. Do the petitions get the job done?

Don: Many times, yes. When they don’t we have a third option. Massive boycott. But it’s not just your regular boycott. Say you have two competing corporations. One bows down before our boycott, the other doesn’t. We then tell everyone to boycott the latter and shop religiously at the first. This not only punishes the perpetrator’s profit margin, where it really hurts, but their fiercest competitor keeps raking in the dough. How’s that for pressure?

Nick: So…you reward companies that say “Merry Christmas” by buying their product?

Don: Yes.

Nick: Let me phrase this another way: You purposely connect the expression “Merry Christmas” to massive consumption?

Don: Yes. What’s the problem?

Nick: Never mind. One last question. I know some Christian who, though they firmly believe that Jesus is the reason for the season, so to speak, don’t agree with your strong arm tactics. How would you respond to them?

Don: I’d say, Look, Christians are told to suit up in armor, right? Fight the good fight. Defend God’s honor and bring his kingdom to earth now, as soon as possible. For goodness sake, Paul even talks about wielding the Sword of Truth! That’s what I’m doing—showing the big man what’s true!

Nick: I believe it’s the sword of the Spirit.

Don: Whatever.

Nick: Well, thank you for your time, Don. I think my readers can at least agree with you on the meaning of Christmas. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.

Don: Thank you, Nick. Same to you.

Nick: Oh, quick question. What’s your take on Easter?

Don: Easter? What do you mean?

Nick: I mean, should we call it “Resurrectionmas” or something?

Don: (laughing) Whatever for? Really, you have strange ideas! Easter’s not a corporate holy-day.

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