Thank you for calling the Despair Help Line. Please listen carefully because our menu options have changed. Press or say 1 if you are uncertain whether what you are feeling is truly despair or only the results of a series of unfortunate events. Otherwise, press or say 2.
Thank you. You have selected “Truly Desperate.” Next, please describe your despair. Be as specific as possible. For example, you might say, “I can’t stop crying” or “I feel dead inside” or “I wish I had never been born.”
Thank you. You said your heart has been ripped out, torn up, covered in A-1 sauce and devoured. Is this correct? If so, say “Yes.” If this is incorrect, say “No.”
Thank you. Now that we know the depth of your despair, we require some personal information. Do you believe in God?
Thank you. You’ve indicated that you don’t believe in God. We will direct you to the appropriate department. Please wait as we transfer you to the next available representative.
Music: Thus Spake Zarathustra
Don’t worry, be happy. The One Life to Live Foundation encourages you not to let anyone or anything stop you from living your dream. Do what you want. Live without restraint. And if something bad happens, don’t fret. Everything happens for a reason. Trust us.
We apologize for the delay. The next available representative will be with you shortly.
Music: Tristan und Isolde – Prelude
As you hold, please remember that your despair is rooted in an imbalance of brain chemicals and numerous digestive problems. We recommend prescription medicine or, possibly, self-medication.
All our representatives are currently busy. Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line.
Music: Lux Aeterna
Life is short, dark, hard, and painful. And then you die. This message brought to you by the Camus Council for Truth.
We are sorry to inform you that there are no representatives waiting to take your call. Please hang up and try again. You may wish to scream or curse to the receiver to feel better. If you wish to rethink your belief in God, press 1 or say, “Help me.”